The United States Of Snark(A Nation Of Finks).

Not to steal one of my father’s Greatest Of All Motherfucking Time Riffs, but – this post is probably going to hurt me much more than it’s going to hurt you.

I know, I know – that’s a hell of a set-up. But the payoff will be worth it, if you’re the kind of person who enjoys being challenged. And by challenged, I mean possibly pulling your head out of your ass.


When did we, as a culture, become so obsessed with mockery? When did pointing out the shortcomings of others become our daily bread? Why have we lost the true message of Jesus Allah Yaweh Buddha Shiva The Angry Owl God?

I mean, from a purely psychological point of view, it makes total sense. We’re all so brow-beaten and insecure because of the constant bombardment and sensory overload of mass media and pop culture. Watch one hour of television, and you’ll witness what I’m riffing on: every single commercial is geared toward pointing out some kind of personal and terrible malady, whether it’s erectile dysfunction, male-pattern baldness, being overweight, acne, debt consolidation, cluttered homes, underarm stubble, ad infinitum. And then the next batch of commercials are geared toward selling us alcohol(what would we do without our precious liquor/mind-numbing agent?). Beer commercials are driven by sex and the idea that drinking will either, A)Get you some sex, and usually from a member of the opposite sex who is sexy as fuck, or B)Help you to be more socially acceptable, and be welcomed into a crew of other people who are “cool,” and/or “just like you.”*


Ain’t that some shit?

Seriously, now. How do we expect to think about anyone other than ourselves when we have this shit carpet-bombing our souls 24/7? We truly live in the Age of Egomania, where everything always comes back around to you. Motherfuckers even tried to make the shit going down over in Iran all about themselves, what with all the magical green avatars on every social networking site known to mankind and all that. And now what? Are people even paying any attention anymore?

Nope. That shit got tossed aside almost as fast as The Pet Rock.

Let me break this riff down a wee bit now – you see, the masses – and by the masses, I mean the large swath of people in the 18-35 demographic – seem far more interested in the crack-like high of Celebrity News, or websites that were created to do nothing other than make fun of people for not being “cool,” or “hip.” It’s almost as if the depression we feel as victims of the sensory overload/”you suck” carpet-bombing has been turned outward, and we’re all pointing our collectively crooked finger at anyone who might be more downtrodden than us, just so that we can look ourselves in the eye in the mirror. To feel like we’re worth more than somebody.

Well, I hate to break it to you, you lovely motherfuckers – you just ain’t.

Unless you got you a colostomy bag, or you’re elderly/disabled or in some form of coma – we all gotta wipe our own filthy ass. And honestly, if any of those things apply to you, you’re probably fucking humbled enough by life to fucking know better at this point. Because that’s the truth of this riff right there: motherfuckers need to get themselves two heaping spoonfuls of humility, and they need to do it sooner rather than later – or else we’re just going to continue on this course and truly become The United States of Snark.

Ever cruise the comments section on a “popular” website? It’s nothing more than a cock measuring contest for the supposedly witty and terminally awesome members of the previously mentioned age demographic. Motherfuckers hide behind their little keyboards, running their fingers like that one weasel kid in the schoolyard used to do with his mouth back in the day. And lo and behold if someone comes rumbling through with a point that is somewhat valid, because they get blasted with 1,000 flamethrowers in a nanosecond, because everybody knows being on-point is no longer necessary or important. Hell – if you aren’t bringing the Snark, and bringing it HEAVY, you might as well go out and get a job or some shit. Oh – and be careful when you call one of those message board trolls out, because you’ll get blasted for that shit, too.

They definitely have that troop of monkeys/hive-mind mentality.

All that being said – your humble narrator sure as shit ain’t no angel his damn self. I like to laugh, and sometimes it does come at the expense of others. But I’d honestly like to think I spend far more of my energy trying to lift us all up, as opposed to the constant tearing down I see all over the place. Motherfuckers that are that sad that they have to sully people just to get their kicks are really kind of pathetic. And motherfuckers that make their living off of it? WELL…

Good luck to you. Karma’s a bitch, and she bites.


Filed under dumbassery, nuggets of infinite wisdom, sean likes to curse and use italics

6 responses to “The United States Of Snark(A Nation Of Finks).



    I’d add something about the expulsion of attention-spans in this day and age. With all the hyper web speeds, video games, et al, that 99.99% is ruined, yet they RULE the world.

    This is one of my biggest pet peeves in the world, so I may rant a bit.

    My entire life I’ve been bothered by the fact that insults lacked any real effort – it was always whatever was the first noticeable thing the perpetrator could view. This was always especially hilarious within the poorest, darkest communities, where they give you the up-and-down; the difference was that they were able to pull out something funny, albeit weak.

    Meanwhile I, being me, have had to withhold my ‘snarky comebacks’ simply because I was astute enough to hit a jugular. I was that guy who, rather than say ‘you broke teeth muthafucka’ would go to places like ‘it makes sense why you act that way, I’d bet your father treats you like shit’ as a comeback, and then because it went against the grain, now I’M the asshole, despite the other guy poking ME.

    We’ve elevated to the point that every asshole believes they are indeed the king of wit. As you talk or write, they simply listen or read up until the moment of which they’ve formulated a ‘comeback’ – the rest is moot to them, thus they have no idea what was ever said, and there is no chance that this message was ever heard. They are simply buzzing about, searching for keyword triggers to jump off.

    Sadly, this doesn’t exist only within the confines of the internet tough guy, but also real life. I can’t begin to recall how many moments I’ve been in situations where these young shitcocks were trying to be the ‘star’ of a party or whatever. They approach you in a friendly manner, but as soon as you’re talking in a larger group – they attack you 5 words into a sentence, long before your ultimate point was ever made.

    My perfect example: I begin recalling something that happened earlier in the day. I get to the point where I add, ‘and so this Jewish guy’ – at which point he cuts me off – “my grandfather is fucking Jewish. thanks, racewar!”


    Sure, it had nothing to do with the Jewish man, I was simply trying to paint a fucking picture. I guess I’m the asshole.

    And muthafuck all of you for not being able to withstand anything ‘long winded’. Read a book, fuckstains.

    great post. the world needs more of you.

    but since we’re all alone here, we’re just left waiting for it to off itself.


  2. SBTVBCrulz

    just because you’re not on the list doesn’t mean you have to hate.

  3. Ty

    You win. They lose.

    Build up. Word up.

    The “game” is already won, don.


  4. Anonymous

    Do0d- you favenoidea whatyore talking aboutjustbecause Igakadderalldoesntmeanicantbeproductinve
    thatcoorslight tittles

    wordverifythingis tellingme


    maybe Iorgot to wipe but I thingcuz I’m lozleiruling intermeb

  5. Anonymous

    There have been many a day I have asked for the secrets to transfer my knack for witty comebacks and powers of negative suggestion into something that could benefit mankind. If I could somehow channel this talent for something good rather than the cold forceful verbal assault of catching someone in a Human moment just to put myself on a higher playing field, how would I change as a person.. would I have the same friends, life etc.?

    Little Kevin from the Big South.

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